Love them anyway

I have had many opportunities to listen to many great academic and spiritual personalities. You can’t remain the same once you have listened to some messages or lectures. While it is not likely that you will remember everything you have heard, you often cannot forget a sentence, a phrase, an illustration or a joke. Those stay with you forever. One of such moments for me was a sermon preached by late Professor Emeritus, Adeoye Adeniyi, who was the Vice Chancellor of University of Ilorin a few decades ago. He was also a deacon in Emmanuel Baptist Church Ilorin. I can’t remember the title of the sermon but I believe that he spoke about students’ unrest in higher institutions and the family.  What has stayed with me for almost thirty years is his plea to parents to ensure that their children know they are welcomed at home no matter the mistakes they have made in the schools. I wonder if this advice is a worthwhile one; if parents know what this means and how it can be achieved.

I feel sorry for the children of this generation. I don’t think that any generation before them has been bombarded with so much pressure as they are. I have heard of many teenagers committing suicide for various reasons. As parents, we sometimes appear helpless before the onslaught against our children. The world has many lies to tell our children. It is usually degrading, that they are ugly, stupid, lazy, unlikely to make it; or to give them a grandiose opinion that they know it all and have no need to listen to parents or other authority figures. And sometimes, they off the tracks in trying to navigate the treacherous terrain of life. 

Whatever the spectrum of lies being told to  our children and how far off the tracks they may be, it is the parents' duty to provide a balanced view and guidance in a loving way. Our children need to know that while we may not be in support of some of their actions, we love them. We should love our children not because of what they do or don’t do but because they are ours. Of course, they should also be aware of consequences of their actions. Nurturing does not exclude discipline nor does discipline exclude nurturing. Sometimes in the process of doing one we tend to forget the other. We can’t afford that; it is a costly mistake.

When we commit errors and sin, the worst mistake we can make is to fail to go to God for confession and repentance. He always keeps the door open for us to come back and revive our relationship with Him. We should do the same for our children. Keeping the door open involves not tearing them down verbally when they err. Doing that may leave permanent, irreparable damage to them and our relationship with them.  God’s focus is always on relationships.

When our children get in trouble, I hope that we will be their first port of call; that they know we value and love them beyond their mistakes and will give discipline when needed in a loving, corrective manner.  The focus should be on maintaining our relationship while working through differences. If we lose our children during their rebellious, explorative years, they may never come back home: literally and figuratively.  The battle for our children is never won by using our words as daggers against them but on our knees for teachable spirits and loving hearts.

Let them know you love them. Keep the doors open.

! Bi Dem.