I Bi Dem: Woman, Wife, Mother

Although it is the mother-in-law that is often at the receiving end of many jokes, we must not forget the other side – the daughter-in-law. There can’t be one without the other. As the saying goes, ‘It takes two to tango.’ A worthy mother-in-law must realise that there is another woman in her son’s life and that there is no need for competition between them. The spot light now belongs to the new woman in her son’s life. For some mothers, this is a bitter pill to swallow. They don’t believe anyone is good enough for their son, no one can cook his favourite dish like she can, no one can give him the advice he needs to see him through life, and no one can replace her. And it is true. No one can take a mother’s place, but a wise mother should know when to step aside. When I think of the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the comment made by John the Baptist in John 3: 30 comes to mind. He said with reference to Jesus Christ, “He must increase, I decrease.” John

A discussion about in-laws brought this issue back to the front burner of my mind. I always hear jokes about the evil mothers-in-law, even in the church. I once knew a woman who celebrated the demise of our mother-in-law saying that she had finally triumphed over her enemy.  Unfortunately, this narrative of unhealthy relationship with mothers-in-law is the reality for most women. Because of this narrative, many women begin marriage with a negative mind set about mothers-in-law and it thus, becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The lament of Job becomes true that, ‘The thing I greatly feared has come upon me, and what I dreaded has happened to me’ (Job 3:25). We may allow what we have heard about terrible mothers-in-law precondition our acceptance, disposition and behaviour to our own mother-in-law or we may decide otherwise. My advice to the unmarried is to have an open mind and to the already married that we can help change the story. We may, perhaps, consider the following ideas