RECALCULATING DISCIPLINE

RECALCULATING DISCIPLINE

Deserving of recalculation is the way we discipline our children. A student noted in his speech that he was glad that physical beating is labelled a crime in classrooms and implored parents to also put an end to it in their homes. He labelled it as abuse of children. It was a wonderful well-thought out speech borne out of a personal experience of receiving discipline through the use of belts and I could feel his pain.  Many of us are so eager to tell our children that they must obey as instructed in Eph 6: 1-3 but so conveniently forget the next verse which says: “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

As a mother, I have given discipline through the ‘abuse’ channel and I have had course to recalculate my actions retrospectively.  A verse that I have heard quoted in support of beating is Proverbs 22:15 (NKJV)

 Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;

The rod of correction will drive it far from him. 

So, it appears God is in support of us beating our children. I believe that the beating is not the problem here and legislation is not the solution to what is called abuse. I think we need to make it clear that disciplining a child is not abuse. Our society is in a state of decadence because parents have refused to discipline their children for various reason. Many are too busy making money and substitute money for love and time with their children. Many indulge their children unnecessarily saying their children must never experience what they went through growing up. While this sentiment is laudable, one must never forget the emergence of the butterfly; denying the emerging butterfly the struggle of coming out of the cocoon is to effectively kill it. I believe that discipline is not the problem but rather the manner and emotions at the time of administering the discipline. Abuse in discipline is not only physical but emotional as well as verbal.

I am not a perfect parent; I am very far from it and pray that God will turn my mistakes to miracles. However, I am constantly learning through my many blunders and from some wonderful parents around me. Let me share with you some things I am learning.

1.    

   Never in anger

An angry parent or caregiver should not administer discipline to a children. The problem is that this is often the case as many parents beat their children out of anger instead of using it as a disciplinary measure. Many take out their frustrations out on helpless children. When children are beaten like this, it actually contravenes God’s instructions who expects us to deal with each other in love. Beating a child in anger rarely achieves any good. A young child is confused as to why mummy is shouting, screaming and generally behaving badly. The child may wonder why mummy is allowed to throw tantrum and he isn’t and why mummy can hit him when he is not allowed other children.  It may make an older child resent the parent and thus become withdrawn or rebellious. I believe that beating in anger may actually be a sign of anger management issues in the parents.  Some very smart children quickly identify a parent’s boiling point and will often trigger it to have a show of mummy’s tantrum. 

2.     

  Agree on disciplinary method

This works well from a very early age. It is useful to sit with a child and outline undesirable behaviour and explain why it is not acceptable.  Explain to the child that there will be consequences for bad behaviour and ask for suggestions of such. The beauty of this is that children often come up with wonderful ideas and help to implement the disciplinary measures.

3.      

Know your child

Children are different and parents should not use a one size fits all method of discipline. One child may respond to a talk and withdrawal of privileges while another may need some spanking for reinforcement. The important thing is to be fair and treat each child as a unique individual.

4.    Discipline should be commensurate with the offence.

When discipline is done in anger, it often outweighs the offense and often leaves the child unsure as to what to expect next time. So be consistent and fair.

5

  Learn to say sorry

A major control mechanism for anger-prone parents is having to say sorry to your child when you go overboard with the discipline. Don’t just say sorry to the child but specify what you did wrong. Apart from it being a check on the parents, I believe it also helps teach the child responsibility and accountability for one’s behaviour.

6.      Not society or culture but God’s way

Many of the discipline measures our children receive are based on cultural or societal standard. How about leaving all those behind and use God’s standard instead? The societal standards are never consistent and cultural methods may end up damaging both parent and child. God’s ways are consistent from generation to generation.  

7.       Love, Love, Love

Discipline must never make a child feel unloved or unwanted. Discipline is to correct faults and shape character in children and not to demean them or take away their self-esteem through our words and actions. 

8.       Pray, Pray, Pray.

I do not believe that it is possible to raise children for God’s glory without the help of God. He has the master plan and so we can go to Him to ask for wisdom on how to do the work He has set out for us. When all else fails, depending of God and crying out to Him will never fail.  We can decide to use our mouths to bless our children and ask God for help.

So to sum it up, I am a proponent of the use of the rod but only if it is used correctly. We cannot throw out the baby with the bathwater. Just because some people misuse it, does not mean there is no good in it.  We need to see discipline as a means of moulding characters and not an avenue of releasing stress. Discipline should be administered prayerfully and lovingly under the tutelage of the almighty Father. It is a privilege to be a mum; children are precious.  Let’s treat them as such.