Raising Sons

I have often wondered why cases of women abuse continue to abound in the society with the level of feminist consciousness in different shades all over the world. We often castrate men for failing to be involved in raising their children or for being absentee fathers. That means we, as women, have the unique opportunity to teach our sons the values that we love in our husbands or those we like but do not see in them.  We have the opportunity to teach our sons to be godly and exemplary men in the society. So why does women abuse continue? These men were raised by women – by women! Are we women raising our sons to become men who maltreat women? What is wrong with the way we are raising our sons and more importantly; what can we do to correct the situation?

Below are some stories of how sons have turned out as grown-ups with regards to their relationship with women. Please read and lend your voice to the situation and give suggestions on what can be done.

Story 1

Margret is a woman enduring her marriage of forty-five years to a respected man in the community. They are blessed with five children- three males and two females. Margret rejoices in God’s mercy as all her children are married and have good jobs. She, for the first time in her marriage, was enjoying life - away from her husband. She spent most of her time with her children outside the country and spent only one or two months with her husband. She told everyone and herself that she was sacrificing her time with her husband in old age for their children by helping them to take care of her grandchildren. Child care is expensive in those Western countries and what kind of mother would she be if she does not help since God has blessed her with long life and good health?  But she knew in her heart that it was a lie.  She had endured the years of living with her husband with the hope that she would gain freedom through her children. Well, God answered that prayer and she is happier than she has been in years. She was grateful that she stayed to raise her children well in spite of their father. She has done well for herself.

However, recently her happiness has become blighted with the behaviour of her sons. She believed that all her children were happily married until she began to feel uncomfortable in her sons’ homes. It was very subtle; the looks from her daughters-in-laws, their staying in their bedrooms when her sons arrived, the lack of laughter- subtle things- but they worried her because they took her back to the years of her passive submission cum resistance to her husband. Her sons was behaving just like her husband only with finesse. There was a lot of ‘My darling’, ‘Sweetheart’, ‘My love’ in the houses but the tension remained in the air. Margret faced the reality confronting her and told herself that she had raised men who do not value women or know how to be men.

Story 2

Sumbo’s case was different. She could be considered happy in her marriage of thirty years.  To complete her joy, her only son just got married to a wonderful girl from a respectable family in the society. She was grateful to God for her life; she, who had miscarried five times before she was able to carry one pregnancy to term, was now grandmother to two grandchildren.  Her husband stood by her throughout the ordeal - the years of miscarriages - and refused advice from friends and family to marry another woman. At a point, her husband asked her to resign from her position in the bank so she could get enough rest and avoid all stress that may be triggering the miscarriages. She had never gone back to work. She concentrated on raising her son and tried to get pregnant again without success.

Being a stay-at-home mum and wife meant she depended on her husband for all she spent and he was more generous than most. She did all the work at home while he provided and regulated the cash. They had no house help so she cooked and cleaned all alone. Often times she resented the fact that her husband did not help her at all with the house chores or maintenance. She was responsible for calling in works men to do various things at home. She wished her husband took more interest but she understood how busy he was providing for the family. Of course, she taught her son to help in the home but that reduced the older he got, after all he is a man.  The last time she visited her son, her daughter-in-law joked about the fact that Tim did nothing in the house and that she won’t have any of it. It sounded like a joke but Sumbo knew it was far from being one. Trouble, she knew was brewing.

Story 3

Angela’s husband carried out maintenance jobs around the house but it was clear to those who saw beyond the surface that he wasn’t happy doing those things. The first few years of his marriage was nothing but catastrophic with his wife complaining incessantly about his not helping in the home or doing small maintenance in the home. He started doing those things to stop the complaints and since he is the one who married her, he did not see any need to involve the children in the forced labour, so their two boys knew nothing about home maintenance. He made sure that all the bills were paid on time but it was done as a duty – a labour but not of love. Angela tried to involve the children in doing things with their father but failed as he made it seem like punishment to their sons. Joyce, her son’s wife told her during their monthly lunch that she was tired of her husband’s lack of involvement with the children. He was physically present but emotionally absent in the home. She asked her mother-in-law for advice. Angela had none to offer.

Story 4

Antony often had to step in between his parents during their frequent brawls in the home. He wondered why they fought so often but had no clear answers. His mother used to tell him not to behave like his father, that men who behaved like that are irresponsible and failures. He made up his mind to do better than his father. He decided he would not be a source of sorrow to any woman, especially his wife. He had seen first-hand how miserable his mother was because of his father’s behaviour. And here he was, engaged to be married but already getting into shouting matches with his finance and had actually felt like slapping her at times. He knew trouble was fermenting and had no idea how to stop the fermentation process. He was on the verge of making the decision to remain single even though he was sure he would be miserable.  

 My prayer for our children is found in Ps 144:12(NKJV)

That our sons may be plants grown up in their youth; That our daughters may be as pillars sculptured in palace style;

Amen.

Have a blessed week.

I Bi Dem.