The Married Single Parent (2)

Hello everyone. I hope you all had a lovely week. Thank you for your comments after reading the posts. If you haven't been doing so, please do comment. It gives us an opportunity to explore issues further.

So last week we looked at the issue of being a married single parent and its inherent problems and I promised that we will explore solutions or ways to navigate this special terrain of marriage and parenthood. As complicated as the problem may be, I believe the solution may be simpler than we think. The keys, I believe, are commitment, communication and perseverance.  With these in place any marriage should stand the test of time.

A relationship is like a plant that requires tending from time to time. Marriage is for the long haul which can't be achieved without perseverance. The extent to which spouses are committed to marriage will determine the level of investment they put into it. Yes, marriage like any investment requires careful planning especially when couples live apart for extended period of time. If only we spend half the time we spend on preparing for the wedding ceremony on the marriage itself, more marriages would be saved. The more I hear about prenuptial agreements, the more I wonder if people involved haven’t giving up on the marriage before it even begins. It appears we actively prepare for life after the dissolution of a marriage and do nothing to prepare for day to day living in a marriage. So before getting into the marriage union or making a decision about being married while living apart, ask what commitment you and your spouse are ready to make.

The role communication plays in marriage cannot be overemphasized. When spouses fail to communicate clearly and often on all topics, one can be sure that the marriage is going down the drain. Couples living together should, under normal circumstances, have a debriefing at the end of each day. It should be the same for those living apart as well and thank God for the different ways of communication that exist these days; keeping in touch should not be difficult. It is the will to communicate that remains and that is where commitment comes into the picture.  Sometimes, couples may live in different time zones, and it takes sheer determination to keep communication alive. But it is possible; it can be done.  Some couples in such circumstances have managed to keep in touch through numerous phone calls and even have daddy helping with homework on Skype, Facetime, WhatsApp or other available means.

If there are children in the marriage, it is wise to make sure they are made to understand the situation and encouraged to communicate with the parent who is away. It is good for the parent who is away to be involved, even if not physically present. Homework help can be offered over the phone or other means of communication.

Let the children know that the parent who is away is also an authority figure in the family.  I believe that it is important to make the children realise that the situation does not mean that the family is falling apart and that it remains one entity even though one parent is away.

A good way to do this set regular times to meet and pray together as a normal family should. It gives a sense of normalcy. With the use of technology, there is no reason why the whole family can’t gather for family altar. There should also be times for private couple’s prayer. 

Keeping the fire of love burning while living together is in itself a task with the mundane routine of everyday life. While living apart, it requires even more effort; more creativity; more determination, dedication and commitment.  Only you knows what tickles your spouse’s fancy and you can Google for ideas. Only be sure that you are speaking the language he understands.    

If you are the spouse who is away, make your visits count. There must be something that you do that will make your family miss you when you are away. It is easy to become so independent that the spouse is no longer missed. That is a dangerous situation. Yonder makes the heart grow fonder only if a good foundation is laid and sustained.

Having a good discussion before you begin living apart is a wise thing to do. Decide on issues like communication, how long you will be away for, when you will be visiting, finances and children among other crucial things. Consider the safety of the family while you away.

You will notice that all these are things that couples should normally do and not just for couples living apart. Whether living together or living apart, marriage should be enjoyed and not endured.

The above is just a ‘starter’ of the discussion to what can be done. Please let’s have a full meal by commenting below and let’s get the conversation going. We’ve got a lot to learn from your experience and wisdom.

Have a fabulous week.

I BI Dem.